The Spaceship Is Hovering

My dating life has been slow lately which I mainly attribute to my inability to do anything other than hide under the covers, watch Friends reruns and bake.  Due to the lack of material, I think I’ll pull from the archives.  This story is circa January 2013 when I first dipped my toes in the Orange County dating cesspool pond.

Chris was 35, tall, and cute.   We arranged (aka he insisted) that we meet up where he lived which was about 10 miles outside of LA.  I mostly didn’t mind because I wanted to see the town he was from, which I had been told had a very cute and fun downtown area.

When I was halfway there, Chris called to tell me that he was already out to watch the game, and could I pick him up?  Sure, why not.   However, I had gotten a bit lost and as I recited the landmarks I was near, he barked “No. NO. Stop right where you are.  When you are lost, you stop.  You do not keep going.” Oh okay, I thought.  A bit strange.  Sounds like a good person to invite into my car.  But I had given my roommates his contact info in case I didnt return, so off I went.  Clearly I didnt have much in my life to live for at this point.

When I parked the car and got out to give him a hug, my hair blew back from the smell of booze.  I should also mention that I picked him up at a Panera, where he claimed he was both watching the game and drinking.  Panera has neither TVs, nor alcohol, but the only other thing even remotely nearby was a Staples so I decided I’d wait till later to try to guess what had happened.
On the way to the downtown area, we made small talk about where I grew up and my family.  I received not one but three insults in under two miles- related to my ethnic background,  my religion, and my home state.  I feel obligated to mention that the man doling them out was half Japanese, half Jewish, and hailed from the state where brain cells go to die.

I decided I would use this as an opportunity to work on my impulse control and see if I could get through the date without an assault.  When we arrived at a restaurant he launched into a tirade against organized religion, telling me that Jesus was a fictional character who died at 30 because there are 30 days in the Mayan Calendar.  When I told him that he actually died at 33, he changed gears into a rant about government mind control experiments.  He was clearly someone who liked to get a rise out of others and was upset that I wasn’t engaging.  I believe my only comment was “So are you one of those people who wears a tinfoil hat?”

I can appreciate the difference between an ignorant asshole and a certifiable lunatic, and that is why what happened next did not result in me gouging out this man’s eyeballs with my car keys.  Dissatisfied with the fact that I found him so tedious that I had taken a short nap on the table, Chris decided to approach the topic of the war overseas.  More particularly, my brother (recently returned from deployment), of whom he said “You know that really the only thing he did over there was protect commerce.”  Well, ladies and gentlemen this is just about where my blood pressure shot through the ceiling and I saw stars.

I should have left him there, but I actually took pity on Chris.  He was clearly damaged mentally and I saw no point in damaging him physically.  I drove him about a mile towards his car in complete silence except for him saying “So this is probably the worst date you’ve ever been on, right?”  I didn’t answer- I just pulled over in the parking lot of In and Out Burger, dropped him off and sped away.

I hope you didn’t think this was the end of it.

Chris texted me to ask me out again, because after all, I was wearing my First Date Outfit (more about that later).  Since I would have rather chewed glass than repeat the evening, I politely declined, stating that I did not think we were compatible.  This confused Chris, who mistook my nonstop eye rolling for someone having an enjoyable time, and resulted in me receiving the following:


I chose to crop out my reply because it was very unsavory.  Hopefully Chris found someone more his speed, and they are living happily ever after in a crop circle somewhere, in a house with garbage bags over the windows.

The truth is out there.


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