Translating the Male Dating Profile

I like lists.  In addition to serving as an organizational tool, they help me to deal with the daily frustrations of life.  A perfect example of this is the ever popular “shit list”.  I especially enjoy the Workplace Shit List, the Rush Hour Traffic Shit List, and the Family Holiday Shit List.  People may consider this a negative activity, but it is actually easier to deal with your coworker making you want to swan dive off a highway overpass when you know that you get to move them to slot #1.

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I  decided to compose this list as a reference for some of my fellow females interested in exploring the online dating world.  I recommend printing it out and keeping it next to your copy of the DSM-5, another tool you will be needing for the experience.

Top Ten Common Items on Men’s Dating Profiles and Their Translations

1. “I’m only on here because…”

I’m wildly insecure about being on a dating website and I need you to think that there is a reason for it that is outside of my control (i.e. my sister got me the subscription for my birthday, my friends made me sign up)

2. “We can tell people we met at the gym”

I am SO insecure that I actually need you to play along so that we can fool the outside world.  I am also the kind of guy who will say “can I kiss you?” before I do it, then ask “how was that” like I am auditioning for a play.

3. Profile photo with arm around a gorgeous woman

I want you to think I am so desirable that I don’t have any photos of just me, which is why I paid asked this woman to take a picture with me.

4. I’m attracted to athletic girls who like to exercise and do lots of active things like going to the gym or working out.

I am attracted to girls who are so thin that the wind knocks them over.


5. I like to have fun and I don’t like drama.

I am so unoriginal and boring that I copy/pasted this from the guy who told me that if I signed up for this,  I could get some tail.

6. Hand symbols, peace signs

I am a gang member OR I am a mime OR I am a ridiculous moron.

7.  “Im really funny so I hope you like to laugh”

I am not at all funny,  but will accuse you of being uptight when you don’t laugh at my jokes.

8.” MY IDEAL MATCH IS/YOU SHOULD BE:”

“Laid-back” (easy), “Low-Maintenance” (okay with me being cheap), “Spontaneous” (easy), “Drama-Free” (okay with me cheating on you)

9. Stupid movie quote i.e. “Im kind of a big deal” or “Just the tip”

I use movie humor as a defense mechanism because I can’t come up with my own jokes.  I’m probably the type of guy who high fives after sex.

10. Bathroom mirror photo of shirtless torso and underpantal area, and “Just looking to have fun”

I am so desperate to get laid that I couldn’t even bother to crop out the toilet in the background.

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2 thoughts on “Translating the Male Dating Profile

  1. Christina says:

    I like how you crossed out “paid” a woman to take a pic with you, which he probably still had to Photoshop because the pretty girl thought he was a serial killer. Guys without shirts: I don’t need tickets to the gun show. In other words, no shirt, no shoes, no date. Also, No gang symbols or peace signs unless you’re a big baller and a high-roller with the “doll-a bills” to back it up. More guy’s profiles: No boozing. It just screams “I’m an alcoholic and I’ve had dozens of sloppy nights.” Aka for women, ” The walk of shame.” Also, No Sunglasses. Don’t try to look mysterious in photos unless you look as sexy as Johnny Depp. Otherwise, you can wear a patch over your eye and be my pirate any day! Lol

    Like

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