Dating ADD and Protein Brownie Bites

You know when you go to a buffet, only to find that everything is infested with flies and has been sneezed on?  And that the salads are covered in mayonnaise and the chicken has dried out and someone touched all the rolls before selecting one?  That’s what my dating life has been like for the past month.

I haven’t touched anything- mainly because my options fall on a spectrum that includes “Beefy Brett”-a man who routinely sends me ass selfies- “Beefy Brian”-who has the ever so charming screenname “FitGirlsOnly” (you got the wrong girl, pal)….. and this:

Just.....why?

Just…..why?

I touched on the Disappearing Man earlier, and I’ll elaborate now.  There’s a pattern: Emails are exchanged, followed by phone numbers and a few weeks of text messages.  Tentative plans are made and broken, and then one or both parties drop off the face of the earth.  The man resurfaces via text 1-2 weeks later with “hey what’s up?” at which point his number has been deleted and I have to google the zip code and try to remember the name of the guy I was talking to that was originally from Idaho.

The diagnosis? Online dating ADD.  Too many choices making men feel like they are wildly popular.  What’s that you say?  It’s my heinous personality and shitty attitude, not ADD?  I’m right there with you, except that I have a friend back home dealing with the exact same issue and she is a lovely person.

Inspired by the aforementioned beefcakes, who I hope to share more about in the future, I present to you a recipe for Bro-tein Brownie Bites.  The name is an ode to the infamous “Bros” of Huntington Beach, a faction that Beefy Brett is a part of.  Read more about the bros and their passion for decorum  douchebaggery here.

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“Bro-tein” Brownie Bites

  • 1/2 cup brownie mix (I used Pamela’s GF)
  • 1/2 cup chocolate vegan protein powder, preferably soy-free (I like Perfect Fit or VegaOne)
  • one egg
  • 1/4 cup oil (I used combo of grapeseed and coconut)
  • 1/4 cup almond milk (or any milk)
  • 1/4 cup pureed avocado (use fork or hand blender until lumps are gone)
  • chocolate chips                                                                                          **IF your protein is unsweetened, add agave or maple syrup to batter to desired sweetness**

Click For Instructions

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A Bread For All Seasons… An A-Hole With No Reasons

My blog entries have been slacking as of late.  It isn’t for lack of trying.  Rather, I blame The Disappearing Man.  You know, the guy you start texting with back and forth for a few days, maybe a week or so, and then he drops off completely?

This enraged me the first few times it happened.  To some (including myself), I have a distasteful personality.  I am sarcastic, condescending at times and have a tendency to repeatedly insult Californians despite the fact that I am now living in their state.  However, I would think that if I were so repellant, a guy would figure that out sooner than two weeks into the communication.  It’s pure laziness and lack of instant gratification with these men that causes them to lose focus.  I’ve even had some message me a month later, undoubtedly when they found themselves with a period of boredom in between work/sleep/Lakers game/masturbating.  (I don’t respond.)

Well, if I can’t have men, I can at least have carbs……

Last fall I became obsessed with making quick breads, baking them in cute containers and distributing them to the people in my life.  You know…coworkers, friends, my psychiatrist.  I decided to do a seasonal bread four times a year.  My Harvard-bound brother thinks I should call this series “A Bread For All Seasons, A Bread For All Reasons”.  I told him to get a hold of himself, as I am not running a booth at the vegan farmers market and wearing a dress made of hemp.  Cloying whimsy aside, I present to you:

A BREAD FOR ALL SEASONS: Spring

lemon blueberry

Lemon- Blueberry Bread

  • 1 1/2 cups flour (regular or GF)
  • 1 tsp. baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp. salt
  • 1/2 cup coconut oil (or any oil)
  • 3/4 cup sugar (add extra TBS if using coconut palm sugar)
  • 1 Tbsp. finely grated lemon zest
  • 3 large eggs
  • 1/2 cup whole milk (or canned coconut milk)
  • 1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
  • 1 cup fresh blueberries

for GLAZE, combine:

  • 1 TBS fresh lemon juice
  • 1/2 cup confectioners sugar

Pucker Up!

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