You Got Beef? (Part 1)

Yes, there have been cobwebs growing on this blog.  I’m sorry.

However,  it’s impossible to think that after reading about the two idiots I am about to discuss, anyone would ask  “Why haven’t you been dating much?”  To the typical Orange County girl, any beefy guy with a rock-hard body and gainful employment is a candidate for intercourse.  I remember sharing the story of receiving this text message with a dental hygienist, who completely skipped over the fact that he called me dull, and squealed “He said you’re gorgeous!!” Hence, I don’t feel bad about dragging these two fools through the mud in this entry; They are probably both rolling around with some equally vapid woman as I write this.

Beefy Brian messaged me with the ever-so-sensitive screenname “FitGirlsOnly”.  I don’t have a hard time admitting that it takes me about 3 weeks of pure starvation, sweating and misery to lose one blessed pound.  I informed him of this and recommended he look elsewhere.  I suppose he interpreted this as me playing hard to get (which I assured him I wasn’t) because he kept messaging me.

At the time, it was still ski season, and I was looking for someone to go with.  He was also very easy on the eyes.  So I allowed him to take my phone number.

It started out semi-normal.  He was an EMT going to paramedic school, and taught CPR on the side.  He also lived with his mom, although his reasons probably differed from mine, in that I think he was still breastfeeding.  A challenge was that he worked constantly, which I guess you have to when you make eight dollars an hour.  Nothing wrong with that, but I was getting fed up with our pen pal relationship.

The tone of the texts rapidly became perverse.  The only women who’s boobs he got near were probably elderly ladies with chest pain, so I imagine he persisted with the sexually-toned nonsense because he was hoping for fodder for his masturbation sessions.

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It got old very quickly.

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I knew that wrapping things up with this time-suck needed to be done carefully, as he had arranged for a discount on CPR training for all my coworkers, and I didn’t want him to show up at my place of work running his mouth.  Yes, I used a man from online dating for a discount on CPR. Can’t knock the hustle.

Luckily, he made it easy for me with the following text.  I found it appalling that anyone would send this to a woman for any reason, and his behavior had become a full-blown sham.  I told him to never contact me again, and to go back to driving his shambulance.

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