A Bread For All Seasons… An A-Hole With No Reasons

My blog entries have been slacking as of late.  It isn’t for lack of trying.  Rather, I blame The Disappearing Man.  You know, the guy you start texting with back and forth for a few days, maybe a week or so, and then he drops off completely?

This enraged me the first few times it happened.  To some (including myself), I have a distasteful personality.  I am sarcastic, condescending at times and have a tendency to repeatedly insult Californians despite the fact that I am now living in their state.  However, I would think that if I were so repellant, a guy would figure that out sooner than two weeks into the communication.  It’s pure laziness and lack of instant gratification with these men that causes them to lose focus.  I’ve even had some message me a month later, undoubtedly when they found themselves with a period of boredom in between work/sleep/Lakers game/masturbating.  (I don’t respond.)

Well, if I can’t have men, I can at least have carbs……

Last fall I became obsessed with making quick breads, baking them in cute containers and distributing them to the people in my life.  You know…coworkers, friends, my psychiatrist.  I decided to do a seasonal bread four times a year.  My Harvard-bound brother thinks I should call this series “A Bread For All Seasons, A Bread For All Reasons”.  I told him to get a hold of himself, as I am not running a booth at the vegan farmers market and wearing a dress made of hemp.  Cloying whimsy aside, I present to you:

A BREAD FOR ALL SEASONS: Spring

lemon blueberry

Lemon- Blueberry Bread

  • 1 1/2 cups flour (regular or GF)
  • 1 tsp. baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp. salt
  • 1/2 cup coconut oil (or any oil)
  • 3/4 cup sugar (add extra TBS if using coconut palm sugar)
  • 1 Tbsp. finely grated lemon zest
  • 3 large eggs
  • 1/2 cup whole milk (or canned coconut milk)
  • 1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
  • 1 cup fresh blueberries

for GLAZE, combine:

  • 1 TBS fresh lemon juice
  • 1/2 cup confectioners sugar

Pucker Up!

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Desperately Seeking Surfer

vintage-surfer-girls

Being from the East Coast, I feel a natural opposition to many things “California”.  Sometimes, I start to feel guilty about how much I rag on the Golden State.  Then I sit behind a young blonde driving her 80 year old boyfriend’s convertible, admiring her new lip injections in the rear view mirror, fully stopped at a green light.

Nevertheless, I have decided that I need to experience a bit more of the “culture”, so that at least my derogatory comments have merit and possibly an amusing backstory.  And what better way to familiarize myself with SoCal life than by spending some quality time with the creature it’s most known for: The Surfer.

The title of this post is a misnomer as well as an opportunity for alliteration; If I were actually desperate to meet a surfer I would ask someone to kindly take me out to pasture and shoot me between the eyes.

Surf’s Up!

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Non-Bitter Brussels Sprouts for Bitter People

I am not a New Year’s resolution maker. I fail each and every time. However, I am in poor health these days. Quite poor. And because of this, I made the commitment to eat no less than three large servings of vegetables a day. I struggle in particular with the ones that can tend to taste bitter:  mainly asparagus, brussels sprouts and bell peppers. Therefore, I have been on a mission to conquer the bitterness in my vegetables as there clearly is no hope for removing the bitterness from my personality.

brussels

Brown Butter Brussels with Lemon and Thyme

(serves two….in this case, me and my mom.)

  • One pound of brussels sprouts, trimmed
  • 2-3 Tbsp butter, depending on preference
  • 1 tsp minced fresh thyme
  • 2/3 tsp lemon zest
  • 1 Tbsp lemon juice
  • 1/2 tsp maple syrup (or agave or honey)
  • 1 Tbsp minced shallots
  • 1/2 tsp dijon mustard
  • 2 Tbsp olive oil
  • Salt and Pepper

Rinse and dry brussels.  Cut off  and discard any remaining stalk.  Cut brussels in quarters. Toss with olive oil and generously season with salt and pepper.  Spread out on baking sheet, evenly, and bake at 425 degrees for about 20 min, turning sprouts once halfway through. (Taste to check for doneness)

While brussels are cooking,whisk together mustard, maple, lemon juice and zest, and thyme.  Set aside.  Place butter in skillet and melt on med/low heat.  When melted, let cook for additional minute before adding shallots.  Stir until butter develops light brown color and shallots are translucent.  Remove from heat, add in lemon mixture and stir.

When sprouts are done, remove from oven, place on plate and pour brown butter sauce over brussels, then serve.

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Translating the Male Dating Profile

I like lists.  In addition to serving as an organizational tool, they help me to deal with the daily frustrations of life.  A perfect example of this is the ever popular “shit list”.  I especially enjoy the Workplace Shit List, the Rush Hour Traffic Shit List, and the Family Holiday Shit List.  People may consider this a negative activity, but it is actually easier to deal with your coworker making you want to swan dive off a highway overpass when you know that you get to move them to slot #1.

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I  decided to compose this list as a reference for some of my fellow females interested in exploring the online dating world.  I recommend printing it out and keeping it next to your copy of the DSM-5, another tool you will be needing for the experience.

Top Ten Common Items on Men’s Dating Profiles and Their Translations

1. “I’m only on here because…”

I’m wildly insecure about being on a dating website and I need you to think that there is a reason for it that is outside of my control (i.e. my sister got me the subscription for my birthday, my friends made me sign up)

2. “We can tell people we met at the gym”

I am SO insecure that I actually need you to play along so that we can fool the outside world.  I am also the kind of guy who will say “can I kiss you?” before I do it, then ask “how was that” like I am auditioning for a play.

3. Profile photo with arm around a gorgeous woman

I want you to think I am so desirable that I don’t have any photos of just me, which is why I paid asked this woman to take a picture with me.

4. I’m attracted to athletic girls who like to exercise and do lots of active things like going to the gym or working out.

I am attracted to girls who are so thin that the wind knocks them over.

You’re not finished yet! Keep going

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Is That An E-Cig In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

It is always really interesting to see what people come up with for a user name on dating websites. It can really tell you a lot about a person. Some top notch choices who I voluntarily decided to spend time with in public are the following:

  • “ImJustLooking”- no shit….. You are?  You’re looking?  What a change from everyone else on here.  This guy, who I went out with in NYC, was very handsome and quite charming, but spent 50% of his date with me (as well as most of his dating profile) talking about how he was just on match.com for research purposes because his client owned it, and he had a free trial.  Is that also why you tried to put your hands up my shirt at the bar?  Research?
  • “IvyStud”- this one warrants a whole separate post, but that’s for another day. It can be summed up briefly by saying that if your profile photo is of a muscular, 6’3 Asian model, you should expect a woman to be in complete shock when you show up and look like Kim Jong Il.  Not even Kim Jong Un, the young one.  I mean the old guy that died. I don’t care that you went to Columbia, I am just wondering if a communist firing squad is going to take me out if I talk back.

Anyway, I was messaged by Richard, a 35 year old engineer who went by the screen name “TheTotalPackage”.  Clearly a win-win, because he either was the total package, or (more likely) I was going to get to witness some world class delusions of overconfidence.

Richard was handsome, although he had to private-message me his photos because he “Couldn’t be on an internet dating site because his job was high security.”  After talking for a couple weeks, we met up at a place I had never heard of- some sort of pool hall/sports bar where we talked family, careers and life.  After a few rounds of Red Bull (for him) and water (for me), the waitress clearly had enough of our non-alcoholic orders and gave us the stink eye, so we left.

I don’t know why this man decided to extend the date when he had absolutely nothing planned for us to do, nor do I know why I went along with it.  Nevertheless, I found myself sitting shotgun in a BMW SUV, taking a scenic tour of neighborhoods known to be up-and-coming should you be interested in joining a gang.  He had Eminem playing- blasting, actually- and if there is one thing a 35 year old man shouldn’t be doing, it is blasting Eminem while playing air piano.

I must admit one thing: there was a sweetness in the air.

Unfortunately, it was coming from Piano Man Richard’s electronic cigarette smoke.  For the record, e-cigarettes are the #1 douchebag accessory, followed closely by neon wayfarer sunglasses, bluetooth earpieces, and tank tops that show man cleavage.  I developed this list with the help of my friend Cav, and all of these items can be seen simultaneously on males indigenous to Southern California.

Anyway, back to Richard. After circling pointlessly around town, he decided it would be appropriate to stop for a “walk on the beach.”  He continually asked me if I was having a terrible time, and remarked that this was his first date in a while, and I felt badly.  So for 5 minutes I walked, barefoot, on ice cold sand in 40 degree weather before I determined that numb, cyanotic feet trumped bruising the ego of a man who dubbed himself “The Total Package”.

When I left to go home for the night, Richard did the “can I give you a kiss” line that all women hate, because enough with the insecurity.  A number of texts followed, ranging from “I feel like something changed halfway through the night” to questions of when we could go out again.  I politely told him that I was pretty busy in the week ahead.

Nice guy, but I’ll be marking this package “Return To Sender”.

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The Spaceship Is Hovering

My dating life has been slow lately which I mainly attribute to my inability to do anything other than hide under the covers, watch Friends reruns and bake.  Due to the lack of material, I think I’ll pull from the archives.  This story is circa January 2013 when I first dipped my toes in the Orange County dating cesspool pond.

Chris was 35, tall, and cute.   We arranged (aka he insisted) that we meet up where he lived which was about 10 miles outside of LA.  I mostly didn’t mind because I wanted to see the town he was from, which I had been told had a very cute and fun downtown area.

When I was halfway there, Chris called to tell me that he was already out to watch the game, and could I pick him up?  Sure, why not.   However, I had gotten a bit lost and as I recited the landmarks I was near, he barked “No. NO. Stop right where you are.  When you are lost, you stop.  You do not keep going.” Oh okay, I thought.  A bit strange.  Sounds like a good person to invite into my car.  But I had given my roommates his contact info in case I didnt return, so off I went.  Clearly I didnt have much in my life to live for at this point.

There’s More!

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Hangover Helper

2014 is now here, and what better way to kick start the new year than with a raging hangover and post-party bloat? Now, I myself did not partake in any alcoholic festivities but I didn’t let that stop me from poor choices and self destructive behaviors such as sloth, six hours of television and eating my feelings.
This is a very refreshing drink that I made as an experiment when I was craving ginger, and it is perfect for a hangover of any sort. I won’t call it a juice because I didn’t make it with a juicer. If you have one, simply omit the water, but it will have a much stronger taste.
The apples and ginger are great for nausea and indigestion, and the lemon and cucumber are natural diuretics. I am not some sort of natural foods guru, I just find myself bloated and nauseous on a regular basis and have consequently picked up this information.

new years resolution

Hangover Helper

Ingredients:

  • one green apple, cored, peeled and in chunks
  • 2 or 3 chunks of pineapple, or more if you like it sweeter
  • 1-2 tsp fresh grated ginger, or more if you like it spicier
  • half a large cucumber, peeled, seeds cut out, and in chunks
  • juice of half a small lemon (about 1 tbsp)

Place everything in a blender, add water until it just reaches top of ingredients, and blend until completely smooth.  Strain through fine mesh strainer into bowl, pour into glass and refrigerate.

Happy New Year!!

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