You Got Beef? (Part 1)

Yes, there have been cobwebs growing on this blog.  I’m sorry.

However,  it’s impossible to think that after reading about the two idiots I am about to discuss, anyone would ask  “Why haven’t you been dating much?”  To the typical Orange County girl, any beefy guy with a rock-hard body and gainful employment is a candidate for intercourse.  I remember sharing the story of receiving this text message with a dental hygienist, who completely skipped over the fact that he called me dull, and squealed “He said you’re gorgeous!!” Hence, I don’t feel bad about dragging these two fools through the mud in this entry; They are probably both rolling around with some equally vapid woman as I write this.

Beefy Brian messaged me with the ever-so-sensitive screenname “FitGirlsOnly”.  I don’t have a hard time admitting that it takes me about 3 weeks of pure starvation, sweating and misery to lose one blessed pound.  I informed him of this and recommended he look elsewhere.  I suppose he interpreted this as me playing hard to get (which I assured him I wasn’t) because he kept messaging me.

At the time, it was still ski season, and I was looking for someone to go with.  He was also very easy on the eyes.  So I allowed him to take my phone number.

It started out semi-normal.  He was an EMT going to paramedic school, and taught CPR on the side.  He also lived with his mom, although his reasons probably differed from mine, in that I think he was still breastfeeding.  A challenge was that he worked constantly, which I guess you have to when you make eight dollars an hour.  Nothing wrong with that, but I was getting fed up with our pen pal relationship.

The tone of the texts rapidly became perverse.  The only women who’s boobs he got near were probably elderly ladies with chest pain, so I imagine he persisted with the sexually-toned nonsense because he was hoping for fodder for his masturbation sessions.

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It got old very quickly.

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I knew that wrapping things up with this time-suck needed to be done carefully, as he had arranged for a discount on CPR training for all my coworkers, and I didn’t want him to show up at my place of work running his mouth.  Yes, I used a man from online dating for a discount on CPR. Can’t knock the hustle.

Luckily, he made it easy for me with the following text.  I found it appalling that anyone would send this to a woman for any reason, and his behavior had become a full-blown sham.  I told him to never contact me again, and to go back to driving his shambulance.

WARNING! NSFW and HIGHLY offensive

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The Spaceship Is Hovering

My dating life has been slow lately which I mainly attribute to my inability to do anything other than hide under the covers, watch Friends reruns and bake.  Due to the lack of material, I think I’ll pull from the archives.  This story is circa January 2013 when I first dipped my toes in the Orange County dating cesspool pond.

Chris was 35, tall, and cute.   We arranged (aka he insisted) that we meet up where he lived which was about 10 miles outside of LA.  I mostly didn’t mind because I wanted to see the town he was from, which I had been told had a very cute and fun downtown area.

When I was halfway there, Chris called to tell me that he was already out to watch the game, and could I pick him up?  Sure, why not.   However, I had gotten a bit lost and as I recited the landmarks I was near, he barked “No. NO. Stop right where you are.  When you are lost, you stop.  You do not keep going.” Oh okay, I thought.  A bit strange.  Sounds like a good person to invite into my car.  But I had given my roommates his contact info in case I didnt return, so off I went.  Clearly I didnt have much in my life to live for at this point.

There’s More!

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