Summer Bread with a Tropical Twist

I guess summer is here.  It’s hard to tell when you live in Southern California, because it’s always nice, but when you start seeing women in bikini bottoms in Starbucks, that’s a pretty fair indicator.  Or they could have been shorts, I’m not sure…the clothing is so sparse in these parts.  I’ve seen x-rays that were less revealing.

Anyway, adding onto my seasonal bread series is this delightful little tropical treat.  This recipe can easily be made paleo-friendly by using coconut flour, since there are coconut elements anyway so the taste won’t change.

A BREAD FOR ALL SEASONS: Summer

Pineapple-Coconut Bread with Macadamia Topping

• 1  cup sweetened shredded coconut, chopped roughly
• 1/2 cup coconut oil
• 1 1/2 cups flour (regular or GF- I used 1 cup GF, 1/2 cup coconut flour)
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar (for more cake-like sweetness, add additional 1/4 cup sugar or 1/8 to 1/4 tsp stevia)
• 3 large eggs
• 1 cup plain Greek yogurt
• 2 cups fresh pineapple chunks, chopped

For Topping:

• 1/4 cup macadamia nuts, chopped
• 1 TBSP butter, softened
• 1  1/2 TBSP brown sugar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Grease 9 x 5 inch loaf pan.

Mix together flour, salt, baking soda.  In separate bowl, mix oil and sugar with whisk.  Beat in eggs, one at a time, with hand mixer, followed by yogurt.  Fold in pineapple and coconut. Fold together wet and dry ingredients. Pour into pan.

Mix together macadamia nuts, brown sugar and butter.  Sprinkle over top.  Bake for 1 hour or until toothpick inserted in middle comes out clean.

Repeat Pete

Memorial Day, first and foremost, is about being mindful of the sacrifice that our military members make- sometimes the ultimate sacrifice- and being grateful for them. These men and women and their families shoulder incredible risk, frequent loss and heartbreak and we are so blessed to have them protecting us.
Bearing this in mind kept me out of self-pity when I spent the majority of the weekend watching The Real Housewives, stalking the instagrams of people with actual social lives, wondering why I hadn’t gone to the bathroom in a week, and playing a game of intestinal Russian Roulette with laxatives.
I did, however, have a special visitor from my past. I received a visit from a friend from New York who I used to date. In fact, the last time I saw this person, he was shutting his door in my face after I discovered another woman’s toiletries in his bathroom and called his ass out on it. That behavior usually gives someone the swift kick out of my life that is to be expected. However, this guy (let’s call him Pete) actually became a friend after we stopped dating. Rest assured that I also put him through the necessary 3 years of groveling, apologies, and remorse that it took to earn my respect back. He’s also a cosmetic surgeon and I plan on cashing in on that guilt in the form of a free face lift in 20 years.

We met up at a small hotel near the beach for a day (and night), and I’m not going to get into the personal and private details. Come on, you know this isn’t that type of place.
What I will say is that I learned a lesson from my rePete with Pete last weekend. When we had been dating in NY, he was kind of a patronizing dick, often asking why I didn’t have a masters degree yet. He believed his life as an MD was more demanding and challenging than mine (his career? yes. His life? no way). When we saw each other Sunday, I realized just how much I had changed and how much he had not. I just didn’t care what he thought or had to say. He was immersed in accolades, financial gain, and prestige. I was focused on being happy and building a healthy life, and he actually seemed jealous.
This is important to remember because there was a time that I didn’t think I was good enough for this guy and it was painful. I can only hope that in the future, when a man hurts me, that I will remember that it’s only a few years time before he is looking in my eyes, telling me how happy I seem. And he will smell of soy sauce and have the abdominal girth of a woman in her third trimester.

You Got Beef? These tacos don’t. Plus a beefy bonus!

I love a nice taco, but lately I have been trying to reduce the amount of beef I consume to once a week only.  (Insert your own filthy innuendo here.)  Actually, it’s because cattle farming and the methane that accompanies it is quite horrible for the environment, and I try to take small steps to not contribute to that when I can.  Although to be fair, some of the humans I know put cow farts to shame.

Anyway, these tacos are a riff on street tacos, which don’t use the hard corn shell.  I’ve used a thick romaine leaf in place of the tortilla, and used ground turkey in place of beef.  No harm, just fowl.

Skinny Street Tacos (serves one, duh)

Ingredients:

• 1/4 lb ground turkey (not too lean)
• taco seasoning (I like Spicely brand- see below on how to make your own)
• 2 Tbsp diced onion
• 3 large or 4 medium romaine leaves, washed and dried
• assorted toppings: diced tomato, cheese, avocado

Mix together 1 Tbsp diced onion, 1-2 Tbsp seasoning, and turkey.  Sprinkle into skillet.  If turkey is lean, spray skillet with cooking spray.  Brown meat and cook through.  Spoon into leaves and top.

If you don’t have taco seasoning, you can try to make your own, which I have done before.  A good combo is onion powder, garlic powder, sea salt, cumin, paprika, chili pepper.

You Got Beef? (Part 2)

Around the same time that I connected with Beefy Brian, I was also contacted by a young man with the screen name “SoCalCool”. Now that’s an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one. I’ve stated before what I think about these ridiculous screen names and what they say about people. Beefy Brett spent over 5 hours a day at the gym and zero hours per day reading anything other than the back of the protein powder jar. One scoop? Or two? Durrrrr…..
So here we have another one who was going to waste my time with the text messages without ever meeting up- perfect. Why are you on a dating site?
Like Beefy Bri, Beefy Brett was persistent. The text message conversations were truly shocking. This man appeared to be functioning at a 5th grade education level, yet owned his own lucrative real estate business as well as a home. He also used the word “lol” more than a 12 year old girl, and said things like “I’m cereal!” instead of “I’m serious.” I felt like I was being catfished by a middle schooler. Behold:

My head actually hurt from these interactions. Just when I was about to cut OMGXOXOLOLSMILEYFACELMAO Brett loose so he could go back to the Taylor Swift concert the gym, I received the following, which understandably stopped me in my tracks…

You Got Beef? (Part 1)

Yes, there have been cobwebs growing on this blog.  I’m sorry.

However,  it’s impossible to think that after reading about the two idiots I am about to discuss, anyone would ask  “Why haven’t you been dating much?”  To the typical Orange County girl, any beefy guy with a rock-hard body and gainful employment is a candidate for intercourse.  I remember sharing the story of receiving this text message with a dental hygienist, who completely skipped over the fact that he called me dull, and squealed “He said you’re gorgeous!!” Hence, I don’t feel bad about dragging these two fools through the mud in this entry; They are probably both rolling around with some equally vapid woman as I write this.

Beefy Brian messaged me with the ever-so-sensitive screenname “FitGirlsOnly”.  I don’t have a hard time admitting that it takes me about 3 weeks of pure starvation, sweating and misery to lose one blessed pound.  I informed him of this and recommended he look elsewhere.  I suppose he interpreted this as me playing hard to get (which I assured him I wasn’t) because he kept messaging me.

At the time, it was still ski season, and I was looking for someone to go with.  He was also very easy on the eyes.  So I allowed him to take my phone number.

It started out semi-normal.  He was an EMT going to paramedic school, and taught CPR on the side.  He also lived with his mom, although his reasons probably differed from mine, in that I think he was still breastfeeding.  A challenge was that he worked constantly, which I guess you have to when you make eight dollars an hour.  Nothing wrong with that, but I was getting fed up with our pen pal relationship.

The tone of the texts rapidly became perverse.  The only women who’s boobs he got near were probably elderly ladies with chest pain, so I imagine he persisted with the sexually-toned nonsense because he was hoping for fodder for his masturbation sessions.

It got old very quickly.

I knew that wrapping things up with this time-suck needed to be done carefully, as he had arranged for a discount on CPR training for all my coworkers, and I didn’t want him to show up at my place of work running his mouth.  Yes, I used a man from online dating for a discount on CPR. Can’t knock the hustle.

Luckily, he made it easy for me with the following text.  I found it appalling that anyone would send this to a woman for any reason, and his behavior had become a full-blown sham.  I told him to never contact me again, and to go back to driving his shambulance.

American Apple Crisp and a Brazilian with a Lisp

After several weeks of texting, I hung out with Jose, a graphic designer originally from Brazil.  He and I met up at a cute, trendy Mexican restaurant that shared a parking lot with his apartment building.  How lazy can these guys possibly be?  If I had known this ahead of time I would have never agreed to that particular load of horse shit.

Jose was handsome in a Euro sort of way.  He looked like Enrique Iglesias and spoke like Fez from That 70’s Show.  Despite his lisp, his English was not bad, and he was an interesting guy who was goal-oriented and down to earth.  He shared stories about growing up in Rio and coming from a family of doctors.  “My sister, she…she…she work on….da butthole. Prop…prop…” “Proctologist.” I interjected.  And really, guy?  Over Mexican food?

There wasn’t really a spark between us, but I enjoyed hearing his stories about growing up in Rio and his interesting job designing Skittles commercials.  I had no intention of allowing Fez to taste the rainbow, but I got suckered into going to see his apartment and meet his dog.  This is why you don’t go out on dates at 7 pm- because when they end at 8:30 it’s tough to convincingly say that it’s too late and you have to leave.

After being nearly mauled by his horse dog, Fez took his turn, but asked permission first.  “I liked you, I cans kiss you?”  What took place after that is of a personal nature, but our clothes stayed on and I left with a smile on my face.  I am perfectly okay with having not heard from him again as the chemistry just wasn’t there.  And also, when he asked to kiss me, it reminded me of this.

And now, for some sweet Americana….

This apple crisp is super-easy and can be made for one, two or twenty with simple adjustments.

The Jaded Single’s Apple Crisp for One

• one medium apple, peeled and sliced thin (I like granny smith)
• 1 TBSP butter, softened
• 1/8 tsp cinnamon
• pinch nutmeg
• dash of salt
• 2 TBSP quick-cooking oats
• 2 TBSP coconut palm sugar or brown sugar
• 1 TBSP flour

Preheat oven to 350.

**OPTIONAL HERO MOVE:  Toss apple slices with 1/2 tsp melted butter, and a healthy pinch of cinnamon.

Spread apples into bottom of ramekin or mini loaf pan.  Mix cinnamon, nutmeg, oats, sugar, salt and flour together.  Stir in butter until mixed, then crumble over top of apples.  Bake for 20-25 min.  Salute your American flag and enjoy!

Dating ADD and Protein Brownie Bites

You know when you go to a buffet, only to find that everything is infested with flies and has been sneezed on?  And that the salads are covered in mayonnaise and the chicken has dried out and someone touched all the rolls before selecting one?  That’s what my dating life has been like for the past month.

I haven’t touched anything- mainly because my options fall on a spectrum that includes “Beefy Brett”-a man who routinely sends me ass selfies- “Beefy Brian”-who has the ever so charming screenname “FitGirlsOnly” (you got the wrong girl, pal)….. and this:

Just…..why?

I touched on the Disappearing Man earlier, and I’ll elaborate now.  There’s a pattern: Emails are exchanged, followed by phone numbers and a few weeks of text messages.  Tentative plans are made and broken, and then one or both parties drop off the face of the earth.  The man resurfaces via text 1-2 weeks later with “hey what’s up?” at which point his number has been deleted and I have to google the zip code and try to remember the name of the guy I was talking to that was originally from Idaho.

The diagnosis? Online dating ADD.  Too many choices making men feel like they are wildly popular.  What’s that you say?  It’s my heinous personality and shitty attitude, not ADD?  I’m right there with you, except that I have a friend back home dealing with the exact same issue and she is a lovely person.

Inspired by the aforementioned beefcakes, who I hope to share more about in the future, I present to you a recipe for Bro-tein Brownie Bites.  The name is an ode to the infamous “Bros” of Huntington Beach, a faction that Beefy Brett is a part of.  Read more about the bros and their passion for decorum  douchebaggery here.

“Bro-tein” Brownie Bites

• 1/2 cup brownie mix (I used Pamela’s GF)
• 1/2 cup chocolate vegan protein powder, preferably soy-free (I like Perfect Fit or VegaOne)
• one egg
• 1/4 cup oil (I used combo of grapeseed and coconut)
• 1/4 cup almond milk (or any milk)
• 1/4 cup pureed avocado (use fork or hand blender until lumps are gone)
• chocolate chips                                                                                          **IF your protein is unsweetened, add agave or maple syrup to batter to desired sweetness**

A Bread For All Seasons… An A-Hole With No Reasons

My blog entries have been slacking as of late.  It isn’t for lack of trying.  Rather, I blame The Disappearing Man.  You know, the guy you start texting with back and forth for a few days, maybe a week or so, and then he drops off completely?

This enraged me the first few times it happened.  To some (including myself), I have a distasteful personality.  I am sarcastic, condescending at times and have a tendency to repeatedly insult Californians despite the fact that I am now living in their state.  However, I would think that if I were so repellant, a guy would figure that out sooner than two weeks into the communication.  It’s pure laziness and lack of instant gratification with these men that causes them to lose focus.  I’ve even had some message me a month later, undoubtedly when they found themselves with a period of boredom in between work/sleep/Lakers game/masturbating.  (I don’t respond.)

Well, if I can’t have men, I can at least have carbs……

Last fall I became obsessed with making quick breads, baking them in cute containers and distributing them to the people in my life.  You know…coworkers, friends, my psychiatrist.  I decided to do a seasonal bread four times a year.  My Harvard-bound brother thinks I should call this series “A Bread For All Seasons, A Bread For All Reasons”.  I told him to get a hold of himself, as I am not running a booth at the vegan farmers market and wearing a dress made of hemp.  Cloying whimsy aside, I present to you:

A BREAD FOR ALL SEASONS: Spring

Lemon- Blueberry Bread

• 1 1/2 cups flour (regular or GF)
• 1 tsp. baking powder
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1/2 cup coconut oil (or any oil)
• 3/4 cup sugar (add extra TBS if using coconut palm sugar)
• 1 Tbsp. finely grated lemon zest
• 3 large eggs
• 1/2 cup whole milk (or canned coconut milk)
• 1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
• 1 cup fresh blueberries

for GLAZE, combine:

• 1 TBS fresh lemon juice
• 1/2 cup confectioners sugar

Desperately Seeking Surfer

Being from the East Coast, I feel a natural opposition to many things “California”.  Sometimes, I start to feel guilty about how much I rag on the Golden State.  Then I sit behind a young blonde driving her 80 year old boyfriend’s convertible, admiring her new lip injections in the rear view mirror, fully stopped at a green light.

Nevertheless, I have decided that I need to experience a bit more of the “culture”, so that at least my derogatory comments have merit and possibly an amusing backstory.  And what better way to familiarize myself with SoCal life than by spending some quality time with the creature it’s most known for: The Surfer.

The title of this post is a misnomer as well as an opportunity for alliteration; If I were actually desperate to meet a surfer I would ask someone to kindly take me out to pasture and shoot me between the eyes.

Non-Bitter Brussels Sprouts for Bitter People

I am not a New Year’s resolution maker. I fail each and every time. However, I am in poor health these days. Quite poor. And because of this, I made the commitment to eat no less than three large servings of vegetables a day. I struggle in particular with the ones that can tend to taste bitter:  mainly asparagus, brussels sprouts and bell peppers. Therefore, I have been on a mission to conquer the bitterness in my vegetables as there clearly is no hope for removing the bitterness from my personality.

Brown Butter Brussels with Lemon and Thyme

(serves two….in this case, me and my mom.)

• One pound of brussels sprouts, trimmed
• 2-3 Tbsp butter, depending on preference
• 1 tsp minced fresh thyme
• 2/3 tsp lemon zest
• 1 Tbsp lemon juice
• 1/2 tsp maple syrup (or agave or honey)
• 1 Tbsp minced shallots
• 1/2 tsp dijon mustard
• 2 Tbsp olive oil
• Salt and Pepper

Rinse and dry brussels.  Cut off  and discard any remaining stalk.  Cut brussels in quarters. Toss with olive oil and generously season with salt and pepper.  Spread out on baking sheet, evenly, and bake at 425 degrees for about 20 min, turning sprouts once halfway through. (Taste to check for doneness)

While brussels are cooking,whisk together mustard, maple, lemon juice and zest, and thyme.  Set aside.  Place butter in skillet and melt on med/low heat.  When melted, let cook for additional minute before adding shallots.  Stir until butter develops light brown color and shallots are translucent.  Remove from heat, add in lemon mixture and stir.

When sprouts are done, remove from oven, place on plate and pour brown butter sauce over brussels, then serve.